I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
