He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
