I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
