I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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