party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
