oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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