I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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