I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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