not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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