Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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