I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
