The maid of honor just puked.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
