The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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