you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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