saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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