Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
