Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
