Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
