ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
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im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
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Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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