I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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