I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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