what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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