after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
