Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
