If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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