your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
