I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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