i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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