I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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