so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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