The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
