you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
