Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
