I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
we're making bets on your personal life
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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