Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
