You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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