i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
