I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
