woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
