he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
