one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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