His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
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It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
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Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize