1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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