I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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