some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
