I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
