sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
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