I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize