It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
