you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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