i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
