its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
