I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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