if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
