when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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