The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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